Protecting Your Heart In The Music Industry

I recall the late toddler years of my son when my wife would plan a play date with other kids at the park. She would share the news with him about where the clock hands would be so he could know when to prepare to leave the house. He would go about his business and frequently check to see if the hands were in the right spot so they could jump in the car and head to what he built up as the best-day-ever.

On one occasion I specifically remember plans had to change at the last minute, and trying to explain why the play date was no longer possible was gut wrenching parenting. How do you explain the reality that life just happens sometimes and you roll with it, to a 5 year old only-child who depended on his friends for companionship? Sometimes the only answer is that is just didn't work out. In this situation, that was the easiest way to avoid a long drawn out adult level rationalization of her choosing to cancel the play date and attend to a more pressing matter. His reply echoes in our memories even today.

"This is the worst day ever!", he would stutter through tears streaming.

We remind him from time to time of his oscar worthy performance of disappointment at only 5 years old. He smiles and bolsters support that it truly was. We all laugh.

Dealing with disappointment in life is a rite-of-passage for all of us. How we process the situation and cope with moving ahead defines our character at times. In the music industry, this character definition is a regular routine.

Spencer turns 18 on October 26 this year. It hardly seems possible that the same little boy with crocodile tears is shaving and being mistaken as me on incoming phone calls. Pardon the nostalgic tangent. Even though his physical presence demands that he be respected as an adult male, his eyes speak volumes when he stares at my wife and I when disappointment hits. We still see him struggling to understand why things have to change. We still struggle with explaining 'life-happens'.

During a recent lull from touring and being constantly busy with his career, we have been able to resume a semi-normal home life with evening dinners and play dates for older teens. It's different now. His friends have lives of their own while he normally is absent from the community. He is a 3rd wheel now when he's back in town. He reaches out to find teen companionship, and for the most part, the texts and phone messages go unanswered.

The choice to pursue the entertainment field has its price. Local community members either find it admirable or just odd. He's either seen as a boy-does-good local celebrity, or as an outsider who is a dreamer who thinks he's too good for accepting rural life in our farmland part of Indiana. It's a difficult reality to face at times. Being on the road is fast-paced and exciting while exhaustingly hard work. Being at home is slow-paced and leaves your adrenalized engine sputtering out of boredom. Add a dash of A.D.D. and antsy teen angst to the equation, and you have the formula for some interesting moments.

During his recent return home, his school varsity coaches inquired about his availability to play basketball and baseball for his senior year. Of course, the lifelong athlete in Spencer that left team sports in 2011 to pursue music found himself in a predicament. The appeal of playing one last year for the school that wanted him on the team was a powerful cocktail that he quickly gulped down. Having been in online school for a few years made his student status non-traditional for participating in team sports. There were hurdles to overcome with the state sports legislative body and his eligibility to participate. Beyond that was the reality that he's smack dab in the middle of a rising career in music that required him to travel and have late nights on occasion. Like the past, he was faced with making a choice because there's only so much time each week to do school and music, and possibly sports on top of it. Had Spencer not been a very skilled athlete in the past, this decision would have been easier. But the fact he was talented enough to play varsity as a freshman and letter in both basketball and baseball made the lure all the more difficult.

Like most careers that have any modicum of success, devotion and full-attention are required. Sacrifice is a major part of anything worth pursuing, and having watched him set aside a traditional student life as a teen in order to pursue a professional career at such a young age has been emotional for us as parents. We see him observe his community peers engaging in fun teen moments and activities and have watched him adjust his focus back to his career so as to not lament his path. He's been a remarkably mature young man when it comes to trusting the path he chose as the best for his future. But at moments like these when we see him gravitate toward "normalcy" for a teen life, we are pierced in our own heart with compassion for his fleeting youth. We know all too well the moments we've looked back and wished we had more calendar days to experience life without heavy demands and responsibilities.

After nearly six weeks of investigating the potential road-blocks to returning to a life of high school sports, the verdict was handed down that he would be considered ineligible to qualify for team sports because of his unique status as an online student at his high school. He had been participating in pre-season conditioning and scrimmages and when faced with the reality of the decision from the state organization, all I could see is that 5 year old face of disappointment (minus the tears, plus whiskers) struggling with understanding why things had to change from what he thought would happen.

Every turn of his music career thus far has seen similar results. Doors closing, opportunities changing, twists and turns in the journey that cause perceived motion sickness, and periods of no activity have all left him wondering, "Why?".

Early on in the process of building his music career, I sought advice from an industry veteran who is also a faith based family man like I try to be. I asked him what I could do as a father and manager of my son to help him most. His advice was simply three words.

"Protect his heart."

It had nothing to do with business maneuvers or specific strategies to gain momentum in his career. It had everything to do with what he knew to be the truth in the music business. The road is extremely difficult and not for the weak. It is the path to destruction for so many who have given their heart to the wrong things. A young person is highly influenced by their environment and what is deemed as acceptable and normal in the music industry. But more than the lifestyle being an influence is the consistent disappointment that can lead a person to depression and misappropriated emotions or choices.

As a parent, we do our best to protect our children from harmful things. We are like hawks watching every maneuver around our child to make sure they aren't hurt or blindsided.

This is our role.

But we also know the value of experience teaching our children how to overcome disappointment. The balance is difficult at best. Protecting his heart goes well beyond the simple guardianship we esteem ourselves to have. It goes beyond human wisdom.

It goes to ensuring he finds his own personal relationship with his creator so he can rely on the ultimate guardian of his heart and soul. In that reality, as a parent, you can sleep at night when you see the fruit of that spiritual life blossoming in moments of struggle and disappointment.

Protecting your heart in the music business goes beyond behavioral adjustments. It goes to having a strong foundation of faith that will guide your steps when no one is around, all seems hopeless, and the eye sees nothing but dead ends before you.

I'm not talking religious rules and hypocritical judgmental people calling themselves holy. I recognize that not all musicians respect the faith view in things, but for us, in the most basic form of pure belief in God, it has made all the difference. It continues to prove to be the settling factor in helping the heart stay strong and emotions balanced while we sojourn into the unknown future.

The Bible shares a passage where Jeremiah asks "Who can know the heart of a man?". I reflected on that before writing this blog entry. I journaled and watched my typing unfold a litany of faith and human experience in the words on the page. My conclusion.

I didn't make Spencer's heart, God did.

I have just been appointed for a season to watch over him until his maker becomes his primary voice of direction in his life. I'm proud of his learning how to rely on that relationship beyond the people around him. I tremble that I make a mistake in guiding him, but also know that God is more vested than me in helping Spencer fulfill his purpose, whatever path that involves.

The music business is a big challenge and affects the heart. God is bigger, and made the heart.

* Spencer Kane is a teen music artist and actor on the television sitcom iShine Knect (TBN Network).

OH THE FANTASTIC DREAMS WE DREAM

I was barely 6 years old and in Kindergarten when I penned my first short story about a dinosaur egg being discovered on a farm. My teacher told my mom that I'd be a writer some day.

Somewhere between my childhood and when life experiences delivered overdoses of disappointment, I've rationalized letting go of fantastic dreams that exist in my creative conscious. It's not so much abandoning hope or the general goal of my dreams, but more like the negotiation I've gone through with my intellect in order to maintain at least a recognizable fraction of their existence. Reality has taken most of them hostage and, sadly, I've learned how to accept their disappearance as the norm in life. I've failed to give the ransom some have required to get them back. I've convinced myself that it's not practical to esteem such fantastic dreams.

I remember Christmas Eve in 1978 when a thank-you note was left next to a pile of crumbs and an empty glass of milk. The black grease pencil used for the cursive words lay next to the empty plate and was the same utensil that was nestled in my dad's work shirt earlier that night. I rushed outside to scan a roof full of fresh snow, wearing only a bathrobe over my pi's with rubber boots slipped over my feet. The street lamps were about to go off for the day at the early morning light, but shown enough illumination to see the glaring absence of reindeer tracks. We were renting a house in the city until our new home could be finished being built that following February. The 19th century abode had the first real chimney I'd seen atop a roof I lived under. I just knew for a fact that Santa would visit that rental house that Christmas Eve. After returning inside, I investigated a large grey paper wrapped package next to the tree that had my name clearly written on the outside. As my mind ripped through the paper and imagine the treasure inside, something ripped through my stomach as I recognized that same black grease pencil scribble of "TO: PATRICK - FROM: SANTA".  I can't recall how my mind connected potential dots, but in a moment of truth later that morning, I asked mom whether Santa was real. She paused with a tender look of despair on her face and inquired why I asked. Her look was more one of compassion for "life" and "reality" striking my innocence, than one of me decoding the clues I shared with her. She had undoubtedly experienced the same moment years earlier with each of my siblings, and as her last and youngest child, it had to be difficult.

"No, Patrick, Santa is not real."

"Ok mom."

She wasn't trying to kill my fantastic dreams. She was shaping my expectations.

As any parent can relate, the bewilderment and oft spoken belief for a future of adventure and excitement that our children share at various ages is something we cherish and reminisce at the same time. Whether it's their enthusiasm and anticipation of watching cartoons after their nap or the carefully laid out plans of a career, almost every age reveals similar fantastic dreams we still hear faintly thumping in our own memory's heart beat. We try with grace and love to teach our children how to temper their dreams because of the boogey-man called disappointment. We can become quite efficient in managing their expectations without crushing their motivation or enthusiasm. Sometimes we go overboard. Sometimes we don't go far enough. Sometimes we flood their fiery passion with buckets of our own regrets until we see theirs extinguished, all in the name of sparing their heart from being hurt. Either way, it's painful and blissful to experience at times.

A recurring memory from American Idol that I always cite when talking to other parents of talented youth is the embarrassing truth shared by Simon Cowell when addressing an auditoner who is clearly tone deaf or horrifically not destined for stardom as a singer. He bluntly asked if their friends and family felt they were good enough to be the next American Idol. Invariably, the contestants would either stay shy or emphatically state their family agreed with their talent level being good enough.  Many contestants left the room and show crying and angry because their dream was crushed by the bully called Simon Cowell. Simon may have been truthful, but to those contestants, it was hard nonetheless.

Perhaps not as dramatic, it wasn't long ago that we had a tough conversation with Spencer about a fork in the road he must address regarding his future.  He played basketball since the age of 4 and baseball since 7. In the fall of 2012, we were told by the leaders of iShine (based in Franklin Tennessee) that Spencer demonstrated the raw skills and character they felt could earn him a career in music if he continued working hard and allowed them to help him develop.  They didn't want any money from us. It's never been a ploy. It was just their industry experience and insight that urged them to encourage us to help Spencer pursue a career in the music business.

After the in-home visit from the iShine president, and a few days to digest what he presented through his two hour fact sharing conversation, we had a family meeting.

Looking at his face of angst as he listened to our parenting advice about what his 15 year old life was entering, we could see him grasping reality. He spent (we spent) his whole youth preparing him for the goal of earning a college degree as a student-athlete playing either basketball or baseball, or both. We shared that while he desired to maintain playing school team sports and travel AAU sports for both, he couldn't pursue a serious career in music at the same time. He simply would not be able to attend all practices and games and maintain his spot on a roster and travel and tour with music and acting. It was not right to his team and coaches and it would leave him both exhausted and unable to give his all to each one. Plus, he would need to maintain his academics in school. We frankly stated that he must make a choice based on what we knew at that moment and that we didn't have the ability to see the future. No matter what his choice, there would be no guarantees in sports or music about his vision for the best case scenario in either. We simply would support and love him no matter what he chose.

<Shortly after an in-school concert in Iowa, Spencer was challenged to play a varsity starter in one on one. Watch the video clip here.>

He was silent. We were silent. It was a screaming silence that allowed our staggered breathing to be easily heard in the living room.

Then, he clenched his eyes with his fingers and we heard a gentle whimper. It casually evolved into a quiet crying and tears flowed.

Spencer never cried about Santa. He never struggled with most life disappointments for long. He'd been resilient and emotionally secure. But we never saw him experience reality like that. While he was not being asked to never play sports again, his intellect began negotiating how to keep hold of his fantastic dream of being on a college team while pursuing what was quickly becoming a passion in music. We saw his heart wrench with real life disappointment setting in. It's as vivid a memory for me as I'm sure it was for him. I'd been beside him every step of his young athletic career. Nearly every practice, every game, every training session I was there with him. And at that moment in the living room, we all choked up at the same time.

It was ironic.

We had just been told about an amazing opportunity to pursue a life in music with trusted mentors and a faith based organization that wouldn't attempt to exploit his youth in an industry that is known for doing just that. My wife was told face-to-face that my son's youth and his heart were more important to them than any skills they could develop. It could have been formulaic, but hindsight says it has been everything they assured us it would be. But in that moment, the pain of watching him let go of every All-American boy's dream of being the star player on a winning team was hard to witness.

Spencer wasn't a little boy anymore.

He was a young man learning that life is mainly about free-will and choices amidst circumstances. I intentionally shared the statistical probability of him earning a scholarship and the realities of mom and dad not being able to afford to pay for his college ourselves. (A result of our own life dreams being hit with disappointment). We told him he could earn academic scholarships since he is a great student with a strong GPA and aptitude for learning. We shared that general physiological issues would play a part on his ability to earn a sports scholarship and those were the facts he'd have to consider to make a decision about his future at such a young age.

He eventually exhaled and formed a smile as he said okay about pursuing music.

That conversation occurred nearly 18 short months ago and in the midst of our logic, emotion and careful planning, God has revealed to Spencer what He has always shown my wife and I in our lifetime. No matter what the circumstance or opportunity, if we believe God is our shepherd and leading us, we can trust that the scenery and experiences along the path aren't ever the total picture. In this year and half span, we've witnessed a young man become a man in his independence and relationships. We've seen God grow his personal faith through his learning patience and adjusting expectations while staying motivated. We've watched him grow in his skills and talent, but more importantly heard the affirmations from many of those who experience time with Spencer outside our presence. We've seen him learn how to embrace a new dream, a fantastic dream, yet staying grounded in the process. We've watched him understand that he hasn't arrived, but he's making his way there.

Spencer still plays basketball as much as he can and still awes me with his skills and instinct on the court. He's 6'3" and more competitive against the big boys now than he was 18 months ago. But when I look back at that moment of his weeping on the couch, I reflect on my own life of crossroads and restructuring dreams to limit my discouragement. I am faced with a truth I can't deny.

Spencer's braveness to set aside team sports to pursue music brought about a whole new fruitful passion in his life, and it has certainly led to the unearthing of a near fossilized passion of <em>writing </em>in my own.

"Yes, Patrick, it's still ok to have fantastic dreams."

"Ok God."

DEALING WITH ONLINE STALKERS

Online privacy is only as strong as the posts, comments and geo-tracking updates attached to social media we use. Fortunately, for my sake, I've been quite invested in knowing the pros and cons of social media use, especially since my under-18 son has quite a following on his various accounts.

While most teens use social media for social reasons, in our home, mom and dad are staunch Facebook users for social reasons, but Spencer, not so much. His social media accounts are 99 percent used for communicating with fans and rarely with close friends or family as most teens do.

This has created some frustrations for him since he just wants to have a normal social life where things like Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Vine and Google+ can be a version of phone-to-phone texting on steroids. He definitely texts his close friends andmom- and dad-approved new acquaintances, but it's presented challenges for us as parents anyway.

Having a son who is gaining popularity worldwide has created some necessary auditing of his social media and phone texts. Trust me, it's an outgrowth of his pursuit of singing and acting as a minor, but it's also something that I don't believe many parents really grasp about how invested in social media their children have become. Reading the random posts by teens that follow Spencer has opened my eyes to a generation of youth that desperately seek attention through a 140-character tweet to a total stranger or random connections they've made through social media. It's more likely that many teens connect to people they don't know on most of these accounts I've observed. How can a single teen have 2,500 followers when you calculate their schoolmates, family members and possible neighbors where they live? It's highly likely that there are a lot of strangers on the list -- people that share a common interest or mutual connection. It's the essence of social media to be honest.

So when my child has well over 50,000 of these types of connections, you can be certain that 99.9 percent of them are people he doesn't know and we've never met. This opens the door to some inevitable risk.

In early 2012 when we were exploring social media and posting his videos on Youtube, Spencer became a target of talent scouts and independent music industry professionals offering their services. Many of these contacts came through social media. This is a common story for most families of young artists we've networked with the past few years. In most cases, they were just annoying spam-like contacts hoping to gain a new client or one-time fee for their services. However, in a few instances we found that the inquiry was a bit darker in nature.

Spencer is an attractive, young man and, of course, has a sea of admirers on social media. Some are just hormone-filled teens expressing their undying love for him from countries around the world. To us (as parents) it's sweet and fun to see the admiration for him simply because he is an online popular artist. But when the admiration comes from an adult male or, in a few cases, an adult female well beyond Spencer's age, the creepy factor enters the picture and our instincts quickly take over to prevent a bad situation from starting.

One such incident involved a highly-intelligent and well-versed music industry executive who reached out to recruit Spencer for his exclusive mentoring program. He apparently was a multi-billionaire who helped the big three music labels (Universal, Sony and Warner) find blooming, young talent. His program involved a six-month development process wherein he would teach Spencer how to prepare for touring, songwriting, the physical aspects of being an artist and a plethora of other areas an emerging artist would need to learn. In the most traditional sense, he was an outsource A&R company which would prepare and package him for presenting to one of the big three.

Now keep in mind, at the time I was still learning a lot about what the music industry was about and when this fellow talked a very convincing bit of music related terms and namedropped plenty of past executives and artists he single-handedly helped launch, it was very mesmerizing. The bait from him was to have Spencer audition for his team of artists he's developing through a foundation-funded program. Each artist would receive about $250k in training, of which the artist would never be required to pay back because it was a philanthropic program to support the arts and young people. When I asked the tough questions along the way, I began to annoy the man and was accused of wasting his time with trivial points. When I inquired about his resume and referrals, he stated he was connected to the U.S. government for contracts with his normal business and his online presence was not available because he was under the Homeland Security privacy due to the nature of those government contracts. When I asked to see him on Skype and possibly meet as a family, he explained why that wouldn't be possible due to his immense travel schedule overseas. The more questions I asked, the more frightened we became that it was an elaborate hoax and a possibly stalker-like issue.

In further investigation of the man, I was able to uncover five more families of young male artists around the world that were given the exact same sales pitch. However, these families were much further down the line with him in the six-month program. One had written several songs and turned them over to the guy and actually gave him access to all the young artist's social media accounts. The man changed all the passwords and blocked him out of his own social media. Another family shared how the man required the young boy artist to do daily physical workouts in front of his skype camera while wearing tight-fitting bike shorts (a requirement of the man). The more we uncovered, the more we became convinced this man was dangerous. All five families, including ours, resorted to the FBI White Collar Crimes division (which handles online cyber-stalker threats) and within a month or two, all his online sites and communication were deleted and no longer visible. We didn't receive a direct reply from the FBI agent handling our case, but the fact that he disappeared proved that something happened.

I shared this story because it was a result of a simple social media inquiry that many young artists and families get sucked into. Beyond this, we've discovered a handful of fans that used social media to act coy about connecting with Spencer and found that it turned into a frightening stalking issue. At least two fans showed up in front of our home uninvited and only mildly known from social media general conversations between Spencer and them.

Since we've launched his public profile online, I have made it a policy that 100 percent of his conversations with anyone on any social media will be reviewed by me personally. In some highly antagonistic inquiries from bizarre fans, I've had to step in and either address them personally or simply block and delete them from his social media.

For practical advice, I'm including some suggestions about how to address social media disturbances that arise.

TWITTER

Twitter provides a few ways to reduce the cyber-bully and/or threats that may arise. First of all, you can always protect your tweets from general public viewing. This is the easiest way to maintain a stronger privacy from people. However, if you allow a person to follow you, the privacy disappears. The BLOCK feature on Twitter doesn't really do anything practical. The stalker or annoying account can still see your public tweets (and therefore know what you're saying and possibly doing). The only thing is really does is prevent them from following you. So unless you're set to PRIVACY on your tweets, the blocking of that person doesn't do much. It will hide their tweets about you from your own timeline, but it doesn't hide their tweets about you from anyone else on Twitter. So if they include your username in their tweet, you can do a SEARCH of your Twitter name and see that they are able to tweet about you even though you've blocked them. In our case, BLOCKING has been effective to send a warning that they need to back off. Twitter does allow you to report a user for the type of tweet they are sending, but apart from a serious safety risk, Twitter doesn't typically do much about it. There have been many users that get banned for the nature of their tweets, but it is likely only after multiple reports have been made. Twitter also has some pretty aggressive software intelligence to know accounts that are not safe or following normal activities compared to most online.

FACEBOOK

Facebook is a little different in that if you FRIEND someone, it is a mutual connection. On Twitter, it can be one way (you follow them or they follow you) or two-way (follow each other). On Facebook, when you have a FAN PAGE, it is different than a normal personal account. On a personal account, you can just unfriend and block a user. On a FAN PAGE, you can only ban the user from your FAN PAGE. This is essentially intended to be the same as blocking on a personal page, but it has a little bit of a different result. First of all, to BAN a user, you can only BAN them IF they make a post on your FAN PAGE. So suppose you notice a creeper just LIKED your fan page and you know they are up to no good. It isn't possible to BAN them from LIKING that page unless they communicate via a post. This simply means that they can monitor your statuses simply by liking your page. PAGES can be set to private viewing unless they LIKE the page or public. We have kept Spencer's pages public so people can see what kind of statuses he posts and become a fan by liking the page. There is no foolproof way to stop a stalker from seeing your statuses on Facebook, because it is just too easy to create multiple accounts and pose as someone different.

INSTAGRAM / VINE

These do not have as much risk (so far) for us compared to Twitter and Facebook. You can simply BLOCK someone on Instagram and they can't see your stuff. Vine is so new to us that we've not experienced anything concerning. The most potential damage we've seen on either of these social media is in the COMMENTS area of a post. You, as the user, can delete comments from your own posts on both. This seems to send a message to a fan if they see you deleted their post.

[RESOURCES]

As a parent of a teen artist and actor, we have joined a helpful Facebook Group which has over 55 families with young artists and actors all working together to report stalkers and dangerous profiles they encounter on their child's social media. This group is highly helpful in being a voice of warning to help prevent risk for their child. It is a great resource to simply become aware of how to deal with some of the risk as well.

Another great site to consider is Trends and Teens. Paige is a great counselor and youthfully connected resource for parents and teens that are engaged in this social media culture we live in.

We do our best to allow Spencer to use social media for fun social reasons, but unfortunately, as long as he's pursuing his professional goal of being in the entertainment industry, we (he) will be restricted to a higher rate of risk than most.

REALITY TV IS NOT SO REALISTIC

While many tuned in faithfully the first few seasons of American Idol, we were busy with YMCA basketball and pee-wee baseball. Sure, for the sake of keeping up with the water cooler chatter, I'd read recap articles and occasionally view moments of the voting result shows while channel surfing. But eventually, our family joined the bandwagon. We'd rationalize why certain contestants were deserving over others and it was during this popcorn-bowl bonding time that my son, Spencer, began defining his standards of good artists over bad.

Eventually, Bieber-Fever struck the world and our eyes opened to the possibility of parlaying Spencer's school and church choir solos into Youtube popularity. Why not? If that Bieber kid could be discovered on Youtube, why not Spencer? So we naively thought.

Fast forward. Spencer auditioned once for America's Got Talent and twice for X-Factor. In every audition, he made it past the first round. In the final audition process for X-Factor, he made it to the round where he would await the call where to show up and perform before the judges. As a parent, you hope and want to believe the best can happen. As a teen, Spencer played out scenarios of what he'd do at each level of the competition. He'd also point out the 1978 Corvette for sale just off the main highway near home and describe how cool he'd look driving it around. After all, at this point he had fully consumed the fantasy of a life as a reality talent show contestant.

No call. No callbacks. Nothing.

I've purchased a few lottery tickets over the years. As I crumpled mine when watching the news of the winner in a land far from my own, I could only sigh remembering the small statistical chance I had at winning. After all, I went in with full knowledge of the remote chances. Reality TV was the same for us.

However, here's where the reality met the fantasy.

I can state that (as a matter of fact) these shows are not so much about casting the best talent as they are for what makes good TV; revenues. After all, sponsors buy ad time and producers and celebrity judges need their pay check. Like everything in the real music industry, it's not as much about the talent as it is the pot of gold everyone is trying to discover and keep. In that sense, reality TV is no different.

I've had the privilege of talking to a lot of parents who are on the same path as my family with one or more of their kids. Most have children with easily verified talent. Some even have phenomenal talent. What links us all together is the challenge we face of managing expectations of our highly impressionable, dreamer kids who ingest the fantasy-life these reality shows present. They see contestants who are overnight celebrities because they were fortunate enough to be an ingredient in ratings-seeking potions fed to viewers and advertisers. Which contestants will viewers most relate to... hate... love... despise... etc. all makes for good reality TV. It's what makes advertisers pay millions and viewers tune in. I envision droning prayers of show creators repeating "Please, Mr. Nielsen, accept our sacrificial offering of these diverse personalities for your blessing of a #1 rating on Tuesday night programming."

But what happens in the real world, like my own home, is exactly what these shows intend. Households are thrown into a pseudo-frenzy of comparing friends and family members who have more perceived talent than what they show on the TV. Hence, the Youtube star explosion and the making of divas at local talent shows. Instead of America's Got Talent, it could be "Everybody Thinks They Got Talent", a show in which Spencer may have been cast.

In our case, Spencer was not thrust into the national limelight. He was not a vocal prodigy that confounded viewers on his Youtube channel. He was just a cute kid that kept pitch and learned how to croon his way into social media popularity. But when the big labels didn't come calling, or big tours or festivals didn't return our calls, that's when reality set in for us. Even having a large social media fan base doesn't necessarily equate to success.

It isn't about the lottery like TV talent show that will help Spencer get discovered. It's all about the good old formula of hard work.

Then more hard work.

And finally, hard work.

Spencer has not arrived. But gone is his innocent, wide-eyed stare like he did at the Christmas tree when Santa was about to arrive in a few hours. Gone is the adrenaline rush of making it to the next round on a TV talent show. Gone is the waiting for the music industry's Big Daddy Warbucks to come a calling. Reality, not fantasy, has arrived.

Instead, what he has discovered is the joy of seeing the fruit of his hard work in the eyes of the fans at his concerts, or the messages on social media of how his music changed a life, or the schools that send reports of how they are being kind to one another because of his visit with them earlier that year. Now he sees that it isn't about the fantasy of skyrocketing to fame and fortune through a TV show. It's about the power of music to touch lives along the way. He's still highly motivated to make a career as an artist, but he understands like the wise spokesman, John Houseman, and the Smith Barney TV commercials of the late 70's, "...they make money the old fashioned way, they earn it."

Even if he never reaches elite stardom, what I know he will have learned is that nobody can take away his amazing experiences at such a young age and the up front and personal perspective of the real music business that the vast majority of artists live through. He is learning that success isn't the fantasy of reality TV, but comes in the form of a four letter word.

Work.

A PARENT-MANAGER BALANCING ACT

For most small town American parents, the balancing of a job and parenting children is enough. Add any sort of activities they may have requiring carpooling and tightly gripping a camera phone, recording the memories that will be broadcast on your Facebook page, it's exhausting. Oh, and I almost forgot, at least half of these active parents have a spouse to pencil in on their Google calendar as well as the proverbial honey-do list around the house. Tiring.

But for me, owning my own business since 1999 and raising a two-sport-travel-athlete-son pushed the envelope. Averaging 250 days a year running from games to practices to tournaments in the Midwest and countless hours of personal training at the YMCA and other gyms is what it takes nowadays to prepare your child for college level athletics. We couldn't simply bypass that treadmill routine.

So why not add one more time-consuming ball to juggle?



In 2011, my son, Spencer Kane, tried his hand at balancing travel and school basketball, baseball, being a 3.8 GPA student, and the world of Youtube as a 14 year old singer. Why not?

Ever since, our family has been on an adventure that is not for the weak. In fact, after traveling nearly 40,000 miles touring this past 18 months, I tip my hat to the stereotyped roadies who slug gear and drive hundreds of miles between shows. At 45 years old, I have a newfound respect for the artist who is trying to establish themselves in the rapidly changing music industry.

Social media and Youtube have created a whole new platform to discover talent. The cornucopia of talent shows on TV make this 21st Century Gold Rush for fame quite a challenge. It's like being a needle in a stack of needles trying to be discovered by fans and industry executives.

Yes, it's only been a short three years since we've taken the plunge into helping Spencer pursue a life in the music and acting industry (Spencer is also a lead actor on the TBN Sitcom, "iShine Knect"), but I think it's more dog years in wisdom and wear and tear on this middle-aged dad.

Just a short list of some highlights these few years make my life as a parent and manager quite interesting. Let's see, there's been

• online and offline bullying
• studio recording sessions and music video sets
• having to give up team sports and his dream of playing in college
• puberty laden-Peter Brady singing voice at times
• my wife going back to work full-time to help the finances
• starry-eyed teen girls swooning over his social media posts, photos and videos
• getting the FBI involved with a pedophile stalker
• his first acting job on a TV sitcom
• life on the road
• butting heads over wardrobe choices
• dodging the money taking sharks along the way
• serious financial commitment
• and forging strong relationships with industry veterans and newbies

As a parent, my primary goal is to equip Spencer to be a responsible citizen and man that knows how to work hard and, most of all, rely on God to guide his steps. But more practically, how to manage relationships and himself when life becomes highly challenging no matter what his career or course.

My wife, Melissa, and I have demonstrated how a truck load of levity each day can make the journey endurable. Our home life is filled with antics and practical joking that eases the stresses of our small town American parenting (on steroids) of a teen who is traveling more than being a traditional student preparing his way for post high school life.

Spencer is finding his purpose at this season of his life and having as much fun as possible while doing it. He's learning how to hear my voice as the parent versus the manager and visa-versa. It's been a very difficult balance for both of us. The difficulty lies mostly with me having spent the majority of my adult life surfing the waters of corporate America. Frankly, I vacillate between the laid back, cool, goofy dad, and boardroom CEO pounding his fists and demanding results. He's learning how to respond as a professional singer when it's needed and yet still take down his mom in a wrestling match when she pile-drives him at unexpected moments.

For Melissa, it's all about preserving his childhood as long as possible.

I have taken to the world of blogging (The Why of Music)  to document my experiences and the wisdom I'm learning along the way while helping Spencer develop his talents and pursue acceptance by industry executives who have a surplus of talent and a shortage of resources to promote them.

Although it's my first article on Huffington Post, I'm looking forward to chronicling the adventures of a middle aged father as he goes alongside his son's music adventure.

When Spencer was dedicated as a baby during a church ceremony, the pastor spoke some words that still impact me today. He said that as parents, we have children like an archer has a quiver of arrows. As a father, my job is to point that arrow in the direction God asks us to. I have been entrusted to guide him according to the talents he demonstrates and it's certainly been a blessing and challenge at the same time. The pointing has occurred over the years, releasing the arrow is the part where being his dad, not just his manager, seems to require courage I don't currently possess. After all, he's still just my baby boy.

INTERACTION WITH FANS

Allow me to take a trip down memory lane for a moment. Pardon the religious perspective this metaphor uses, but it's very relevant to this blog entry.

I remember a home Bible study I attended waaaay back in 1991. I was really starting to do some deep study of the scriptures and was being taught so much by the leaders in the home study at the time. I remember the topic of "knowing God" came up and how reading the Bible was our primary way of getting to "know" God. One challenge was issued to the group about how well we knew God. The illustration they gave has never left me. At the time, the group leader said this, "How many of you know President Bush?" Everyone raised their hand because, of course, he was our president. Then came the zinger.

"How many of you talk to him over the phone? Have lunch with him? Been to his house on the holidays? Visit him when he's ill?"

The room went silent.

You see, the point he was making when sharing this perspective is that we can know "about" someone, but not really "know" them. I know a lot about famous people, but I don't really KNOW, know them.

Now thanks to social media and the impact of reality TV shows, "knowing" someone popular or famous makes it seemingly easier than ever before. With Facebook, I see what delectable delights a person is about to consume, wants to consume, or just consumed. I can learn how a stupid driver pulled out in front of them and nearly caused a wreck. I can see photos of them standing in their bathroom smiling for their phone camera. My ability to "know" a person is literally easier than it used to be. But even so, I still don't really "know" know them.

The farther down the road an artist gets in their career, the more likely their fan base will grow. The more fans they connect with in person and online, the more likely those fans will want to truly get to "know" the artist. This is where this blog post wants to focus...

HOW SHOULD AN ARTIST (especially a minor) INTERACT WITH FANS?

First, let me say there are various thoughts that could probably be summed up in these three areas:

• Talk to and connect with as many fans as possible because it will help your career, and, honestly, it's exciting to get feedback and adoration from them to help keep you motivated to get better.
• Find a way to keep your personal and public life separate.
• Make sure you stay aware of stalkers, weirdos, and dangerous fans who may want things other than to buy your music (to be discrete).

All of these are important to keep as a reference, but at times some are more important.

I can say that in the past three years of Spencer's career, we've experienced annoying, bizarre, frightening, and typical fan behavior. We've contacted the FBI in one extreme situation where a pedophile stalked Spencer online. We've dealt with fans who presume because Spencer speaks to them, they are somehow best friends for life. We've experienced fans showing up outside our house. We've seen innocent fans follow Spencer at the Mall. Spencer has experienced a fan mob attack him at a concert and needed to get a police officer in the midst to remove them. Then there are the fans who are desperate in their personal life with crisis occurring in the home or with themselves that reach out to Spencer for help. In fact, of all the type of fans Spencer interacts with, those struggling with something and asking his input are the most common.

Of course, there are the typical fans who want a follow or to friend him on Facebook. These are mostly young people just wanting to show off how many people like them or follow them on social media.

At this point, I'm sure some or all of these things have happened to every emerging artist. If not, they probably will.

A strange thing happened about 6 months ago when trying to figure out why music sales of Spencer's EP and iTune songs wasn't generating much income for him. He has averaged over 50,000 followers on his various social media sites yet we haven't seen that turn into actual revenue.

The question became, "Are these social media followers actually FANS or just kids wanting to have connections with other kids?" That question then led to "What really is a fan anyway?"

Well, according to industry exec types that we've had this chat with a few dozen times, a fan really isn't the same as a social media follower or subscriber. In the simplest definition, yes, but in reality, my friend list on Facebook is hardly the same as my "fans". No. They are simply people who I'm connected with in some way. Of course I'm not a public figure either, so it's hard to separate that.

However, one of Spencer's manager's in Nashville put it to me this way.  He works with another artist who has had top 10 radio hits each of the past 4 years. Their social media followers combined total less than 8,000, but their royalties and overall income as an artist exceeds several hundred thousand dollars. Plus, they sell more than 100,000 units (songs) a year of their new songs. So, knowing this, they may have an online social media picture that is far less than you'd think, but yet they are considered a successful artist (they are young too).

So, is a fan someone who follows you or is a fan someone who buys your music or comes to your concerts? Fan is really the shortened word for FANATIC... and if we called our social media followers FANATICS, it would probably make us think twice.

So, now that we've muddied the waters of what a fan is or isn't, back to the question. How should an artist interact with their "fans"?

These are just suggestions based on our experience so far.

• Because social media is FREE, it's always easiest and most efficient to simply tweet, post, video, or photo upload stuff that fans can use to connect with you each day. This is the simplest.
• Without going into too much detail, keep the social media content you post to a public focus only. Don't get into personal stuff (venting, complaining, etc.) as it will open pandora's box to fan follow up and digging to get into your personal space.
• ALWAYS remember that once it is posted in public, technology has a way of finding you years from now and all it takes is a screen shot (photo of the screen) for any fan to have a permanent record of what was said or posted. (works both ways if you also have inappropriate things occurring and the poster removes them after a while. You can always take a screen-shot for building a record of what has been said by them.)
• Don't ever give out your personal cell number to someone you don't have a personal relationship with or haven't met in person. No compromise on this.
• Avoid using any communication methods with fans that are hidden from the general public. Private messaging apps, instant messaging, or any form of communication that the public can't read should be off the table as an option. Always leave a paper (digital albeit) trail of fan communication.
• If you have occasion to meet fans in person, avoid giving in to the pressure of suddenly becoming their 'bestie' or close friend. Trust me, it's very difficult for them to separate the public persona they have come to know versus the real person outside the public eye.
• We've unfortunately had to block a lot of fans who pushed the personal envelope too far and began demanding Spencer's time and immediate attention. Some even began stalking.
• Allocate at least 2 days a week to devote to online interaction in a personal way. Upload a Vlog or go on a site like YOUNOW.COM to give fans a chance to connect. This means to purposely put it on your calendar and be faithful to it.
• Never give out your home address for anything. If fans want to mail you something, use a post office box. We pay about $75 year for a PO Box in our local town. It's a healthy way to keep whackos away. Not guaranteed, but at least an initial buffer.
• Try to find creative ways to be in the public in a safe setting so fans can interact. Meet and greets are always a safe way to have supervised fan interaction if necessary.
• PARENTS, "ALWAYS" (and I mean always) read every single email, message, and any form of communication that comes into your child's social media. Have regular conversations with your child about who people are, and do some of your own investigating of the profiles of any fans you see regularly trying to connect with your child.
• Make sure you keep fan interaction as professional as possible at all times. Fans need to understand that they can like an artist and be infatuated with them, but a healthy boundary of reminding them that the artist isn't just a regular Joe or Mary (even though in their personal life they may be) will go a long way in keeping them and the artist in a mutually respectful place.
• This last one is somewhat tricky. PROFESSIONAL (business persona) VS. PERSONAL (relatable human persona).
• Never forget that "EVERY" communication with the public is a representation of the business (brand of the artist) to the public. So using fan attention to help maintaining the brand of the artist is as important as letting them see the casual side of an artist. Both are equally important when launching and maintaining a career.

It's safe to say that most fans know "about" the artist because of what that artist publicly reveals and shares, but you don't want to get to the place where fans "know" the artist like I shared at the beginning of this post. It's not healthy for either the artist or fan to become entangled in the personal lives of each other. Keep it professional and friendly.

WHAT IS TALENT?

So, like any word in the our language, the meaning can be various and imply different things to different people in different situations. For example, I laughed when I heard that the word "SNOW" in Alaska can have 8 different meanings or types. We say snow and think white cold stuff that falls down from the sky and sometimes sticks to the ground in big piles. But in Alaska, they can say snow and the way it falls, the slushiness, etc. all are a factor of what KIND of snow it is.

Talent. A word used loosely by most proud family members of a focused artist in their DNA chain.

So what is talent? Is it like beauty... beheld in each one's eye differently? Sure. Why not?

When it comes to musical artists, talent comes in all shapes and sizes. And when it comes to the voice of a musical artist, it is as diverse as the types of snow in Alaska.

Let me just rattle off a few well-known artists and allow your mind to see why they deserve a sub-category of the generic word TALENT.

• Elvis
• Bob Dylan
• Patsy Kline
• Whitney Houston
• Jim Morrison
• Hank Williams (Jr. and Sr.)
• Janis Joplin
• Frank Sinatra
• Kurt Cobain
• Michael Jackson
• Nat King Cole
• Bee Gees (Andy Gibb)

I could continue making the list. There is no question every one of these artists has "TALENT" but I don't believe you can simply call their talent the same thing. You could spend time describing what makes their talent different from the next, but you can't put them in the same vanilla envelope and just label it talent. That would be a gross generalization.

When we were preparing Spencer for a collegiate career in basketball while he was in Middle School, we spent quite a lot of time working with trainers and mentors who not only knew the game, but understood what recruiters looked for beyond game stats. They explained that players are graded on more than just their ability to score points. They actually have entire rating systems that are based on physiological aspects of players that we had no idea were part of the equation. Things like intellect, character, discipline, athleticism, skill, get-alongability (team minded), habits, and the most ridiculous statistical analyses of specific drills that seemingly had nothing to do with the game of basketball. However, after seeing players who focused on these "unknown" areas of TALENT, it became obvious that it wasn't always the kid who was the tallest or fastest or scored the most that impressed recruiters. It sometimes boiled down to intangibles that weren't obvious to the popcorn eating parents in the stands.

In that same respect, the music industry is full of TALENT that can't be denied. But what is it that causes certain TALENT to be successful over others?

Some artists have song writing talent. They have the ability to play an instrument or more than one instrument. Others have the ability to sing 4 octaves. Some have the ability to sing scales at a lightning pace and evoke a jaw dropping awe from the listener. Others embrace emotion and interpretation of lyrics and notes that help the listener forget about caring how skilled their vocals are at the moment. Some can dance and sing. Some can play an instrument and sing at the same time. Some can put on a stage show that amazes the audience because they entertained more than wowed with vocal prowess.

The band "KISS" comes to mind. Vocally and instrumentally, nothing extraordinary. Visually... cha-ching. So it's not always about the most amazing voice or instrumental skill. Sometimes there are other sub-categories of talent that create a career for an artist.

So why write about this philosophical question of the definition of talent?

Depending on which person you're targeting with your music (Fans, media, industry execs, etc.) talent has many faces. So instead of pigeon-holing yourself into believing only A, B, and C on your checklist really matter, take a look around you at artists making money and see the ones who have sustained a career and what they've done to maximize their talent.  Most have built on a few strong areas and figured out how to let go of trying to be perfect in areas they won't necessarily need to be.

For Spencer, he isn't a prodigy of vocal ability, but he has charisma and a personality that helps his overall artistry. He compels fans to care about him beyond his music. That is, by itself, talent.

Take an inventory of the sub-categories of talent you or your artist has and see how you can focus on the strengths and not be so obsessed with removing the weaknesses.